5 Things I Hate About You

My muse has utterly abandoned me of late. The number of unfinished blog posts queuing up in my drafts folder bears witness to that. I guess you're supposed to be consoled by the fact that, while I'm not actually producing a steady stream of witty, insightful reflections for your enjoyment, I'm going half crazy trying.

But fear not! As my departure from NYC (and, thus, my arrival in New Haven) looms increasingly large on the horizon, I suspect there will be no shortage of attempts at producing some kind of summative list of what the year has meant, what I've learned, what I loved, what I hated, etc. Hopefully a few of them will make it past the draft stage. Here's one for you now. The theme is cynicism.

5 THINGS I WILL NOT MISS ABOUT NEW YORK. not even a little bit.

1) La Granja. Wikipedia defines it as: "Spanish for 'the farm,' cf. grange, monastic grange," but don't let yourself be fooled by the idyllic connotations. La Granja is Harlemese for "the nastiest business establishment in all of Manhattan." It is, in short, a live poultry store. And I have the twin pleasures of living just across Amsterdam Ave. from it, and having to walk past it anytime I want to take the A train. It almost always involves fording a stream of chicken shit (and a veritable RIVER of chicken shit if it's raining). After seeing the conditions those birds live in, it is amazing that I have not reverted to my high school vegetarian state. Words cannot do justice to either the stench or my revulsion.

2) Newark Penn Station. One of few things that can be said for this transit hub is that it smells better than La Granja - but only slightly. For the past year, I have been lucky enough to get to pass through this fine establishment twice a day, five days a week. It is full of almost every kind of people that society labels as undesirable: homeless people, people who shoot heroin in the bathroom, people who beat their kids in the bathroom, people who expose themselves to you in the waiting area. On my better days, I am outraged that such destitution can go unnoticed by the tens of thousands of commuters who pass through the station each day. But 96% of the time, I avert my gaze, breathe through my mouth, and walk past the miserable hordes just like everyone else. A humorous child's misunderstanding of the Lord's Prayer reads: "Lead us not into Penn Station." The sad thing is, some days I pray it in earnest.

3) Marriage proposals. Getting hit on constantly. Being told I'm too skinny to have kids. Being objectified and sneered at. I have loved working at SCI, but these things? These I will not miss.

4) New York coffee norms. Go to your average Dunkin Donuts, McDonalds, corner deli, whatever; ask for a regular coffee and you will get a chocolate milk-colored concoction containing more sugar than caffeine. The first time I, an avowed black coffee orderer, made this mistake, I was annoyed but tolerant (different strokes...you know...I guess...). The next time I ordered my morning coffee, I was more specific: I asked for "Coffee. Black." To be fair, it was black in color. But it still contained more sugar than coffee. I was less than amused. By now, I have learned that, to get my coffee the way I want it, I need to say: "Coffee. Black. NO sugar. NO splenda. NO milk." This request is always, invariably, each and every damn time met with consternation and confused follow up questions. "No sugar...? You want flavoring...?" It makes me want to tear my hair out. Is it so inconceivable that a person could want black coffee? I simply do not understand.

5) Rush hour. I do not actually believe in hell. But if I did, my picture of eternal damnation would look a lot less like Dante's Inferno and a lot more like Manhattan on a Friday at 4:00. Before I moved to New York, I loved Fridays, for obvious reasons. I was, thus, astonished to discover, as the year went on, that the mere thought of Fridays reliably filled me with dread. It's that bad. The only way for me to make it through Friday rush is to turn my iPod to maximum volume, stick my nose in a book, and turn off my sensory capacities as completely as possible: the goal is for me not to even notice I'm on the train, much less smushed into a corner of an un-air-conditioned car, surrounded by angry, angsty New Yorkers, all of whom are willing to trample and/or bitch out anyone who gets in their way. I have seriously considered investing in a hip flask for additional support. That bikeable commute in New Haven cannot arrive quickly enough.

There you have it. A more optimistic list to follow, I promise.

On Wisconsin!

And now, for a change of pace. Up until now, the mission of this blog has been to describe, depict, and demystify New York City for an audience primarily made up of Wisconsinites (though I am consistently astounded by the unlikely reader locations turned up by my ClustrMap!). But now that my readership has expanded to include a large number of New Yorkers, I thought I'd turn the project on its head and do a bit of marketing and demystifying for my home state, where I currently find myself on a week of much-needed vacation. Because, seriously, New York friends: you have NO excuse not to high-tail it over here and come visit. For brevity's sake, I'll limit myself to 5 selling points (though I'll be happy to provide more via private correspondence to any interested parties!).

The top 5 best things about WI:

1) Lake Michigan. Dear Coasties, New Yorkers and otherwise who think of Wisconsin as "just another one of those good for nothing states in the middle of the country": we are not a Great Plains State. We have over 800 miles of Great Lakes Coastline, including both a breathtaking Milwaukee harbor and no shortage of gorgeous state parks. And FYI? When you look out at Lake Michigan you can't see the other side. It is not your average pond. It has waves. It has tides, even if they're not nearly of the same magnitude as the Atlantic. Best of all, it is BEAUTIFUL. Absolutely, mind-blowingly beautiful. I miss it every day I'm away from it.

2) Spotted cow. Aka, the best beer ever brewed by humankind. Made by the New Glarus Brewing Company, a small, local enterprise that refuses to sell its products out of state. Spotted was the first beer I learned to like, and I have yet to find one that can compete. You would be loathe to find a liquor-licensed establishment within our state borders that doesn't have it on tap. Better yet, it's affordable (having spent the past 11 months in a city where I can only afford to have one drink at a time, I appreciate cheap WI beer prices more than ever)! With these facts in mind, it's a wonder I was ever sober during my college years...

3) The Dane County Farmers' Market. Makes the Union Square market look like a dinky little Greenmarket cart. Held outdoors every Saturday from April through November, the Madison market winds all the way around the Capitol Square, and it is GLORIOUS. It is The Madison community event each week; virtually the entire city is in attendance. Go early if you actually want to beat the crowds and snatch up the best produce (and squeaky fresh cheese curds!), go mid-morning if you want to marvel at how utterly food-obsessed this lively, ultra-liberal city of not even 600,000 can get. Not a summer Saturday goes by when I don't wish that I were back on the Square with my camera and my tote bag. My enthusiasm about being there tomorrow is threatening to reach dangerous levels.

4) The Memorial Union Terrace. Aka, the best place to hang out in all of Madison, if not in the entire state. If you don't believe me, just check out the super cool Terrace webcam and see for yourself. Between the scenery of Lake Mendota, the easy access to Babcock Hall ice cream (made on campus from campus cows! most delicious ice cream you'll ever taste!), the constant free concerts and movies, and the endlessly flowing (and, once again, affordable!) pitchers of beer, you really can't go wrong. It is the quintessential Wisconsin experience.

5) Frozen custard. Now, you may think you have tasted this Most Hallowed of all Dairy Desserts, but seriously: unless you've been to Wisconsin, you haven't. This recently published article from the Village Voice is only half right: "Though first popularized in Coney Island, frozen custard—a soft extruded ice cream rich with egg yolks—is now primarily a Wisconsin phenomenon. In the city, you can get excellent custard at Timmy O's Frozen Custard...and at any Shake Shack location." While I cannot personally vouch for Timmy O's, I can assure you that Shake Shack's products, while tasty, do not even begin to approach the excellence available at places like Gilles, Michael's, or, my personal favorite, Kopp's. Not even in the same category. To get your custard fix, you'll just have to visit the Dairy State in person.

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